We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”