You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
You Might Also Like
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Hitlers gonna hitl
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.