An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
me when the borders lift
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.