After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!