“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
me before I type out affect or effect
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of