*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
much to think about
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Ovenable?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.