A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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