Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?