WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.