A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!