I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.