kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
much to think about
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
goldfish mafia
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham