Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!