“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You Might Also Like
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!