*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I wanna be friends with this person
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.