I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?