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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
do horses think humans are hats
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.