My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
is this how new cars are made??
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.