I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.