*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.