“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.