person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Harsh but fair
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.