I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.