Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.