ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Introverted vegans go meetless
a fate I wish upon no one
Why are bridges so flammable.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about