Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
crazy
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365