In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no