“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now