Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?