🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
You Might Also Like
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Plant care tips
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me