This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You Might Also Like
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
All generalizations are stupid.