I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.