Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
No Google it does not
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*