Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
watergate? u mean a dam??
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.