Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You Might Also Like
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Spell check is for lasers.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?