There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The French cow says MEUX…
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
We’ve come full circle
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this