Cashiers are always checking me out
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”