One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Krampus.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”