Okay, I’m still confused…
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Its a hippotatomus
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*