me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.