GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
🤯🤯🤯
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
A classic…
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice