Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat