Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe