Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
You Might Also Like
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not