Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You Might Also Like
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Need this in my life lol