(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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#dalle2
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.