John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
the three genders
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
thanksgiving in nutshell
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual