sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park