The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.