Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You Might Also Like
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.